It’s a quarter past 1am. I feel physically exhausted, yet my mind shows no sign of resting anytime soon. This is a common pattern that I’ve surrendered to in the last year and a half or so.
As I type these words, I feel the not-so-rare mental chatter pop up– almost all negative, self critical, emotionally abusive to my own heart. So instead of indulging it, I’m choosing to describe it with words.
“You’re so pathetic,” my mind starts. “You have everything that you need, why can’t you just suck it up and be happy?”. As I reflect on this, I hear my fathers voice describe his father telling his eight year old self to “just suck it up!” and I ponder how many lifetimes of karma I am working through…
I go over the reel in my thought-space of a time when my heart felt truly whole, and I wonder if the belief that I am somehow unworthy of love instilled itself in me from recent heartaches or if it’s something much more old, maybe even ancient.
My mind hovers over the word ancient and I start to mull over esoteric concepts like the memory in my blood, and just how many peoples shit I am carrying on my shoulders… I want to ask someone why the fuck it’s all so complicated, but the person who knows the answer to that doesn’t exist.
“People don’t have food, Julia. Your problems are minuscule.”
I long for times where things don’t seem so dark or lonely or empty. I pause to feel that this is just a reflection of one side of my heart, the heart that is unsure, and this will pass. There are moments, some seem to last forever, where the sun of my soul is always shining and there are no worries.
There are no worries. That’s the irony.
I contemplate deleting this whole incoherent thread, but decide against, to avoid future regrets. I know nothing. For the eight-millionth time, I tell myself that it is all how it’s suppose to be, and I wonder how long it will be until I believe that again.
Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
Maybe one day you’ll teach me how to trust my heart, and you’ll tell me that I knew how all along. One day these complexities will unravel a bit and I’ll be able to relax. One day and that’s okay.
“Great Mystery, teach me how to trust my heart, my mind, my intuition, my inner knowing, the senses of my body, the blessings of my spirit. Teach me to trust these things so that I may enter my sacred space and love beyond my fear, and thus walk in balance with the passing of each glorious sun.”
~Lakota Prayer~
Julia Brenn 