Ramblings of an unsure heart.

inhaleIt’s a quarter past 1am. I feel physically exhausted, yet my mind shows no sign of resting anytime soon. This is a common pattern that I’ve surrendered to in the last year and a half or so.

As I type these words, I feel the not-so-rare mental chatter pop up– almost all negative, self critical, emotionally abusive to my own heart. So instead of indulging it, I’m choosing to describe it with words.

“You’re so pathetic,” my mind starts. “You have everything that you need, why can’t you just suck it up and be happy?”. As I reflect on this, I hear my fathers voice describe his father telling his eight year old self to “just suck it up!” and I ponder how many lifetimes of karma I am working through…

I go over the reel in my thought-space of a time when my heart felt truly whole, and I wonder if the belief that I am somehow unworthy of love instilled itself in me from recent heartaches or if it’s something much more old, maybe even ancient.

My mind hovers over the word ancient and I start to mull over esoteric concepts like the memory in my blood, and just how many peoples shit I am carrying on my shoulders… I want to ask someone why the fuck it’s all so complicated, but the person who knows the answer to that doesn’t exist.

“People don’t have food, Julia. Your problems are minuscule.”

I long for times where things don’t seem so dark or lonely or empty. I pause to feel that this is just a reflection of one side of my heart, the heart that is unsure, and this will pass. There are moments, some seem to last forever, where the sun of my soul is always shining and there are no worries.

There are no worries. That’s the irony.

I contemplate deleting this whole incoherent thread, but decide against, to avoid future regrets. I know nothing. For the eight-millionth time, I tell myself that it is all how it’s suppose to be, and I wonder how long it will be until I believe that again.

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

Maybe one day you’ll teach me how to trust my heart, and you’ll tell me that I knew how all along. One day these complexities will unravel a bit and I’ll be able to relax. One day and that’s okay.

“Great Mystery, teach me how to trust my heart, my mind, my intuition, my inner knowing, the senses of my body, the blessings of my spirit. Teach me to trust these things so that I may enter my sacred space and love beyond my fear, and thus walk in balance with the passing of each glorious sun.”
~Lakota Prayer~

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One thought on “Ramblings of an unsure heart.

  1. Just lovely as always Julia, I was also up Wide Awake and suposed to be “exausted” or at the very least asleep this morn at the exact same time. I did not even think to write!
    You and your writings inspire me so.
    I would name this “Ramblings of The Unsure Mind.”
    It is the mind that thinks waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy to much and has to have a reason for everything.
    A most revered “master” of mine here on Facebook
    (He’s so super awesome, simple, funny, wise and over all incrediblt ordinary and simply past or over any BS we can “think” of or “imagine”) , Nicky Hamid of New Zealand, said to me in a skype converstaion where I was questioning just as you were this morn, He said Why does there have to be a reason, What if there were no Reason ?! All is. Because it just is and it’s in this Is-ness that we are set free to Be. To Love what is, instead of trying to fiqure it out has become a great key for me and has unlocked what seems like a thousand doors . Now I see there is only just one and you know what it’s there because I placed it there and it just Is!
    I love you so.
    ❤ Forever Graced By You and Your Mama,
    Sharyn

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