Self Acceptance and Putting the Pieces Together

tumblr_n57k10jNN41qlwx41o1_500I think about words a lot. And linguistics. If I didn’t know language or how to articulate emotions, would I still feel them? I recall that Depeche Mode song Enjoy the Silence. I remember the first time I heard it, I was thirteen, and I looked up the lyrics. It was the truest lyrical weaving of words that I had ever heard.

Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Can’t you understand
Oh my little girl

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Dramatic much? I’ve spent quite a few years of my life trying to shut out this dramatic, dark, and twisted side of myself. But I’ve always come back to the idea that if I didn’t know language, maybe I wouldn’t get so stuck. I use words to try to put the pieces together, to try to understand and rationalize life. The only time when it has ever made sense for me is when I feel bonded to the people in my life, when I have a partner that pulls me out of my head space.

Is it because these bonds mimic our true nature of experiencing union? Whole, divine unity with all that is but only experienced through another human? or two, three.. four.

Again, using words to try to put the pieces together.

Self acceptance has been my practice lately. Accepting that my mind is the way it is, that this body is my vehicle for this lifetime, that this is just the way it is. There is mental illness in my family, there is disease, there is darkness, pain, and turmoil in the world. And in huge block letters, across my mind reads “DON’T IDENTIFY WITH YOUR STORY, JULIA”… accept, accept, accept…. except, except, except…..

I recognize that there is choice in the world, but I also believe in the divine nature of life. I choose to let it all roll because I believe in the beauty of the world. Even if it seems so far away, I remember that there were moments where I felt that life made sense. And maybe it doesn’t right now because it’s the only way I’ll be able to tell when it does… Maybe all we’re trying to do is connect the dots, add and subtract, to find the answers. Maybe the answer is that there is no answer. And maybe the only way I will know this is to keep letting it roll.

Keep putting the pieces together. Keep loving anyway.

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One thought on “Self Acceptance and Putting the Pieces Together

  1. I’ve always felt exactly the same way about words and still do, even though I use them an awful Lot. Even when I am talking or writing or I am simply enjoying the silence which is mostly filled with the loud and racous noise of my own head space, ever so often, somtimes in the midst of talking, a different silence shows up, this is when I hear the voice of God ringing so clear and so calm and so certain and so nurturing and loving, all encompassing and so ever present. I Adore You Julia. Thank You for sharing yourself.” Maybe the answer is that there is no answer”

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