I used to be a very critical person. Growing up in Miami, I became hardened with the abundance of intensity, aggression, and loudness. I saw no common ground with strangers and usually lived in fear of being spoken to. I wasn’t always driven with that fire– I remember when I was a small child, constantly being heartbroken whenever I witnessed rudeness, or anger, or confrontation of any kind. I guess that’s where I developed it– this need for heavy steel armor around my heart… If my sensitive soul was to survive that inhuman island, I had to build walls so high, no hurtful thing could get in. But you see, this false protection only comes back around to inevitably bite you in the ass.
Now that I have softened, removed a few bricks from these walls, opened my heart to my soulmates two, three, four times, I am smacked in the face by my sensitivity on the regular. The floodgates open weekly, daily, always. I feel the stranger on the street like we’ve spoken our life stories to one another for years. I hold eye contact and I literally feel your pain, anger, joy and I feel nothing at all and everything all at once. I will always try to explain it but I’ll never feel understood because even I don’t understand. All I want is to keep loving, less crying, more smiles, and real connection.
I spent my weekend connecting with beautiful souls who braved that creepy, dim stairwell down to the basement of vulnerability. It reaffirmed how essential it is for me (and you) to take that time to be completely raw, completely there with each other, with all the parts of our story that we don’t like, until we all know once again that our true nature is the heart.
I know more clearly now than ever before, that any part of you that triggers me, is really just me, and that any “wrong” act can only stem from a place of pain. When I hear you speak words that hurt, I want to turn the pages back and find that 7 year old you that was told you were wrong or not enough. I want to hold you and tell you that no matter how scary this world can be, it’s terribly perfect and one day it’ll all make sense. Our true nature is the heart.
Of all the things I learned this weekend, this mantra stuck with me the most:
Amŗtam anāndam brahmāni
My true nature is the heart. The heart is my true nature.
I am the bliss of the heart. The Heart that I am is the unending bliss of Oneness.
I just want to keep loving everyone and somehow hold faith that every person can one day, feel this way too.