The In-Between State

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Life for me lately has been a confusing cocktail of emotions. The ups and downs seem to be spiking higher and more close together than usual. I’ve tried hard to grasp onto one train of thought to ease the insanity, but I find that more and more challenging by the day. Since I do not see any other immediate solution, I have just surrendered to this being the way things are right now. I have no solid foundation, no true routine to stick to, and no sense of groundedness or security. I came across an excerpt on the Internet from Pema Chödrön’s The Places That Scare You:

Anxiety, heartbreak, and tenderness mark the in-between state. It’s the kind of place we usually want to avoid. The challenge is to stay in the middle rather than make us more rigid and afraid. Becoming intimate with the queasy feeling of being in the middle of nowhere only makes our hearts more tender. When we are brave enough to stay in the middle, compassion arises spontaneously. By not knowing, not only hoping to know, and not acting like we know what’s happening, we begin to access our inner strength.

This quote is everything for me. I am in such an in-between state in my life right now- I’m leaving my home of seventeen years, I’m leaving my best friends, I’m leaving my whole life as I’ve known it. And while I know that this is an awesome thing, I can’t help but want to check the fuck out of the fear that keeps arising. I’m not ready to face saying goodbye to the people that have been my everything for so long. Just typing that makes my eyes watery. I’m smart enough to know that no goodbye is permanent and that distance isn’t a bad thing. But there are times when my heart can’t embrace that. It’s in these moments where I catch myself trying to avoid the uncomfortable sensations. I have the urge to distract myself and try to be anywhere but here. But the more I try to get away from here the harder it is to just be.

I’m finding clarity in this moment. I’m about to purge the crap out of my closet. I’m getting rid of things I don’t need, things that no longer serve me. And I recognize that change is good. I get to start with a clean slate. How cool is that? For now I will be taking Pema’s advice and be “…brave enough to stay in the middle.”

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7 thoughts on “The In-Between State

  1. Thank You Julia! For expressing your thoughts and mine. Keep writing you never know who you help to heal in the process. You will always be with me through your beautiful words that touch me so near to my heart in my personal life. You’re Awesome!

  2. Hi Bug….

    No advice, just comments from your old pop.

    I have a little moleskin journal I keep for myself that I write little snippets in…if they come to me. I came across one or two I want to share with you:

    You’re in a losing battle if you’re in a struggle with yourself….

    Dogs don’t know how to be selfish…

    Once you’ve got everything planned out, be ready to make things up as you go along…

    There’s nothing I can tell you Julia that you don’t already know, but on the bright side, you will be close to your very best friend on the planet, your Mom (guess that makes me your 2nd best friend…I hope)…sigh.. You once told me to listen to the teacher inside so….please listen and go to that quiet place for comfort and strength. Rest assured your destiny is struggling to reveal itself. In spite of our genetic demons, we’ve had great lives and our blessings are bountiful.

    I….love….you….

  3. Take it from someone who has done a similar move a few times.. It’s never easy and I swear it only gets harder. Everytime I leave a place I feel like a chunk of my soul is being ripped out, but for us to feel this way is normal. It’s what makes us good people and good friends because we care. So.. you’re going to cry.. a lot. And most likely feel sick to your stomach, but just cry it all out and don’t hold back, get plenty of sleep.. and it’ll pass. It’s much easier going somewhere where there is someone as important as your mother and so much love. It’s an adventure.. a new experience, a blank slate.. and hey, you can always come back :).. (and then you can cry when leaving Asheville… and so it goes) xx

  4. Pretty lady, I know exactly what you are feeling. During the month between when Niko and I moved out of our house and officially started our trip, I was in such an in-between funk. Not quite “living the dream” yet but definitely no longer stable.

    My advice: EMBRACE IT! This is a funky, uncomfortable period of change, and there’s nothing you can do but just go with the flow. Do things outside of the usual, go places you usually don’t, and take risks you normally wouldn’t.

    PS: We’ll be in NC soon – and we will definitely have to go explore together. You’re about to enter an amazing time in your life, stay positive through the funky bits.

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