Life for me lately has been a confusing cocktail of emotions. The ups and downs seem to be spiking higher and more close together than usual. I’ve tried hard to grasp onto one train of thought to ease the insanity, but I find that more and more challenging by the day. Since I do not see any other immediate solution, I have just surrendered to this being the way things are right now. I have no solid foundation, no true routine to stick to, and no sense of groundedness or security. I came across an excerpt on the Internet from Pema Chödrön’s The Places That Scare You:
Anxiety, heartbreak, and tenderness mark the in-between state. It’s the kind of place we usually want to avoid. The challenge is to stay in the middle rather than make us more rigid and afraid. Becoming intimate with the queasy feeling of being in the middle of nowhere only makes our hearts more tender. When we are brave enough to stay in the middle, compassion arises spontaneously. By not knowing, not only hoping to know, and not acting like we know what’s happening, we begin to access our inner strength.
This quote is everything for me. I am in such an in-between state in my life right now- I’m leaving my home of seventeen years, I’m leaving my best friends, I’m leaving my whole life as I’ve known it. And while I know that this is an awesome thing, I can’t help but want to check the fuck out of the fear that keeps arising. I’m not ready to face saying goodbye to the people that have been my everything for so long. Just typing that makes my eyes watery. I’m smart enough to know that no goodbye is permanent and that distance isn’t a bad thing. But there are times when my heart can’t embrace that. It’s in these moments where I catch myself trying to avoid the uncomfortable sensations. I have the urge to distract myself and try to be anywhere but here. But the more I try to get away from here the harder it is to just be.
I’m finding clarity in this moment. I’m about to purge the crap out of my closet. I’m getting rid of things I don’t need, things that no longer serve me. And I recognize that change is good. I get to start with a clean slate. How cool is that? For now I will be taking Pema’s advice and be “…brave enough to stay in the middle.”