Confronting Unresolved Fears: Taking an Honest Look at What Scares the Shit Out of Me

ImageIt has been a while since I’ve written with the intention of it being read publicly. I’m not even sure of what my intentions are at this point. To be honest, my heart is pounding as I sit here attempting to hash out my thoughts. My hands are shaking slightly, as they always do now. I feel very alive in what is coming up.

It has been a very long time since I’ve allowed myself to be alone. Alone in the sense of being on that journey through self discovery- shaking hands with your inner demons, laughing at your flaws, exploring the essence of who you really are… Being in a relationship for four years served as a buffer, in a way, between me consciously tackling these underlying and necessary experiences. I’ve always been overly aggressive with the way that I have chosen to battle uncomfortable situations within myself. I think it’s one of my greatest strengths, but it has also gotten me into a lot of trouble.

Living with Hereditary Angioedema has become so normal to me at this point. The UPS man just walked in with a months supply of my plasma treatments, and I don’t think twice about it. I don’t fear death like I used to. In a way, I am completely comforted by the fact that I could go at any time- it has taken me a very long time to get to this point. I feel amazing in my physical yoga practice right now; something has recently clicked in me where I have the ability to genuinely surrender to what my body is capable of doing. Fears of airway obstruction don’t come up like they used to while I’m practicing. In terms of me I feel great.

What I am not okay with, is the fact that there is a 50/50 chance of passing my disease on if I choose to reproduce. I have always known this and I thought there was a time when I was actually content with that… I’m seeing now that I am not. Every part of my being has always wanted kids. Not now, of course, but I’ve always known I would eventually. Insecurities, fears, and an immense amount of sadness are smacking me in the face right now. I don’t feel alright about being responsible for another being having to live with an incurable disease. And the thought of not having my own biological kids is very painful, even if it is selfish. What if someone wont want to have kids with me because of this? What if I never have kids? What if I fail at the most basic human goal in life? These are the fears floating around in my mind. It almost makes me laugh seeing them typed out. Right now I don’t have the security of someone reassuring me that it is okay, acceptable, and perfectly fine to have kids or even just feel this way. I am alone in the way I feel. In a strange sense, these fears feel fluid. They don’t feel like something I need to fight against, just something I need to process.

My happiness right now comes from my actions in the world. I am truly happy because I am surrounded by realities that I have created. I live for stoking people out and the thought of one more person being happy, successful, or having a better day because of something that I am able to do, truly makes my heart sing. So it’s interesting for me to be straddling this duality of emotions. I believe that if you don’t have intense waves of fear than you aren’t really living. And right now I feel very alive. Over and out.

You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

-Jim Morrison

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Confronting Unresolved Fears: Taking an Honest Look at What Scares the Shit Out of Me

  1. i think if you want to reproduce, you absolutely should. ((i would definitely want to have kids with you)). and like you said, the percentage is 50/50, do what you need to do in order to fulfill yourself and let God take the outcome into his own hands. He should decide the fate of your children, not you. If they have it, it’s most likely going to be a blessing in disguise and if they don’t then you’ll feel that happiness that you’ve been yearning for. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you didn’t choose this and look at how great of a person you’ve become. You have no idea what the potential of your offspring will/can be with or without the disease.

  2. Just wanna say that there is something about you when I read or look at your pics that makes me feel at ease..love the way you write ..and as for someone not wanting to have a kid with i feel like it wouldn’t be an issue if they truly loved you…although we have never met your awesome! Keep the writing up

  3. Im doing a project for class at Stony Brook University about HAE and treatmemts for HAE.. if you would be willing to give me some insight please email me. Thanks

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s